October 23, 2008

Purple Nurple

It's not that I want to blog less, honest. Facebook is just a bit quicker and easier at this point. It's just that I don't have time enough to pee by myself, much less to create an entry. I have four boys, ages five and under. A new baby, a two year old with a will of steel, a heart-sensitive three-yr old and I'm homeschooling w/a 1st grade curriculum & a K attention span. I need to constantly look to God for the security that I'm doing awesome as long as I'm doing my best for Him. It comes time for Andy to get home and I sigh happily thinking, "Wow, we got a bunch of good schoolwork done today and I've stayed on top of keeping Phin's obedience in check." Then I realize my entire house smells like little boy urine and looks like it's been run through by a pig on fire. Or I'll have the house reasonably straight & dinner cooking only to realize we've yet to start any schooling for the day and my three year old's stark naked in the front yard. The truth is most days we do all right. I love my boys. I revel in being able to stay home with them. Our family's so in love with each other. I have a strong peace in schooling Gid @ home and a joy in doing so. But every day's a practice in dying to myself and asking for more of the Holy Spirit. I see pride welling up when I teach Gid - he can read chapter books by himself, for Pete's sake, let's get through this 1st grade phonics curriculum and move on, already! Then I realize I'm just trying to check off lessons instead of allowing him his joy in learning. That's one of the main reasons we decided to teach him ourselves & here I am trying to rob him of it.

Att and I have had thrush for what feels like months now. In actuality I think it's only been b/twn a week & a half and two weeks. We're covered in purple - his mouth, my breasts - gentian violet the otc med's called. It stains but I'm holding out hope, esp since my 1000 thread count white Egyptian cotton sheets have spots. *sigh* I spend my days meeting immediate needs for four boys all at very needy stages. It's from one need straight to the next, usually with one or two boys waiting in the wings while I'm still trying to fulfill the first request. And if they're not waiting in the wings I'm usually in trouble cause they're off alone somewhere being boys ("Look, Mom, we stacked three bikes on top of each other and can still climb to the top!"; "Is it really okay for us to paint our hands, Mom? Gid said it was okay as long as it was purple."; "Phin's sharing his m&m's with Atticus, Mom!"; "I can't get out from under the bed again, Mom, I'm stu-uuuck!"). Then poor Andy comes home and can you imagine - expects to actually have a relationship with an awake wife! I honestly love my life. My boys are a hoot, my husband's as awesome as they come and there's just not much in life more important than what I get to do every day. But there's not any of my life that's just mine anymore. The legs are being pulled on, the arms are full, someone's climbing on my face - even the stinkin' breasts are swollen, raw, purple and belong to someone else every two hours!

I find myself wondering if it's okay that there's nothing that's mine anymore. It makes me tired, but isn't this the joy in life? Isn't this what we're supposed to do - pour ourselves out for others? Yes. And yes, we have to fill ourselves up in order to pour out. Andy's good at making sure I get breaks and little opportunities to fill myself up. I'm just tired right now. He was out of town most of last week while the boys and I were sick so my cup is on the empty side right now. But it's good. It's a good hard. I'm forced to look at what's selfish in me. I'm forced to dissect my desires, sift through and see what's selfish and what isn't. Is it really a good idea to write a blog entry while the boys are asleep instead of napping? How much computer is too much at this point? It allows me to reach out a little, but at what cost? I want to paint. Is that a desire I should sacrifice now, since I have to give up sleep to get any painting in at all? Should I schedule that weekend away w/the lady who said we should hole up in her cabin and just paint? It's hard to figure out how to make time to fill myself up and still have time to do what's necessary. I'm pushed to continue developing that self-discipline I've always been weak with and that's good. That's very good. I know these times are going to fly by and before I know it the boys will be gone and I'll have more time on my hands than I'll know what to do with. God's been good in pulling my perspective back when it begins to wander. I'm in love with my boys, in love with my husband, in love with my life and grateful to be able to complain that I'm not my own. I have a full, incredibly full life and I should never take that for granted.

This picture cracked me up. It's exactly what I feel like half the time!


My men creating robots.
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Posted by lynnp at October 23, 2008 6:40 PM

Dan and I just read your post, and we think you are AMAZING! :) I am learning so much about patience and selflessness and dependence on the Holy Spirit with just one baby boy, so I can only imagine what it's like with 4. Just as an aside, Harper had thrush for about 8 weeks. We tried Nystatin, then Diflucan, then gentian violet and none of it worked. I had to cut ALL sugar out of my diet and go on an enzyme and probiotics, and we've been clear of it for a couple weeks, praise the Lord! And now someday Harper can look back on his purple pictures. :)

Posted by: Julie at October 25, 2008 7:19 PM

Thanks for the encouragement, Julie. Poor you and Harper! Att & I tried just probiotics for a week, added the g violet when it was still getting worse. Now we've been on probiotics & gentian violet for a week. Att's mouth seems a lot better but now his bum's worse & I've still got it pretty bad. I'm cutting out sugars which is SO HARD for me.

Posted by: lynnp at October 25, 2008 10:59 PM

lynn, i love you. you are simply amazing. ask the Lord to fill your cup and it will overflow. keep up the good work!!

Posted by: Jessica at October 26, 2008 1:53 PM

tried to post this earlier, but something techie was wrong...

Can I just plagiarize and post this on my blog? With the exception of the newborn, that's my life right now too and the newborn is soon to come. My heart is so right there with you. It's such a joy to be home with my little ones, but so exhausting and humbling at the same time. Every day I'm reminded that I'm not enough. For what it's worth, you're joy and perspective are an encouragement to me on a regular basis. That's why I check in and look for updates each morning, BEFORE I do much else. O, and thanks for the laugh. The pig on fire thing was stinkin' hilarious.

Posted by: Karen Monahan at October 28, 2008 5:38 PM

Lynn, I also tried earlier to comment but could not for some reason. I loved this post and think you just said so well what is in many of our hearts.

Posted by: Linda at October 28, 2008 7:35 PM


I caught your link from Jonathan Davis's blog and was really glad I did. It's good to hear how you're doing since Covenant days. I love the way you talk about your family. Sometimes I think I'm the only one who can feel like it's all just crazy and frustrating, but still just love life and know that I have what so many people long for. I love Brian and I love my kids. I just have two. Your Phin sounds like my Gwen. I find, though, that even on the worst days, or maybe especially on those days, I'm the most thankful I can be home with my children. I can be the one who loves them, trains them, deals with the hard stuff now and not at 5:30 when I get off work. What an awesome blessing, even when I can relate to the pig on fire comment.
Scharlie (Frame) Carlisle

Posted by: Scharlie Carlisle at November 5, 2008 10:28 PM

Hey there friend! You can come look at my house and feel comforted any day--I used to take pride in my hundreds of cool books... until now because that means more books for little hands to pull off bookshelves and stack. We're considering no xmas tree this year for similar reasons.... the twins are contenders for Olympic golds in the following team sports: mess up Mommy's freshly mopped floor, molest Mommy's washing machine, poke strange things into outlets, grind up dry cereal and sweep it onto the floor, swish hands around in the potty, climb on anything that lets them reach something they can't have, eating more dog food than any other toddlers.... And they have quite the enabling older sister. But these are good reminders of the blessing that God has given us!!

Posted by: Betsy at November 24, 2008 2:35 PM
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