Clearing Webs

On transparency, being served and growing within community

Andy and the boys are camping in the back yard, s'mores and all.

I was so blessed today by this woman I hardly know. She's a masseuse recommended by my midwives w/awesome rates, beating anything I've heard of even coming to your home! She came here today while my boys napped and gave me a massage in my bedroom. While in there we discussed the large pile of clothes that has been haunting me forEVER now. I do the laundry and carry it to the couch downstairs, too daunted to carry it upstairs. Then Andy carries my stuff upstairs for me but isn't quite sure where everything goes so he piles it on my dresser. It piled there is somehow mentally too much for me and it's been accumulating this way for months now. So after the massage this lady tells me to lay down and rest while the boys are still asleep and she folded every last one of those clothes! Then she so lovingly said I didn't need all these clothes, that I should get rid of some. Somehow folded and in stacks the clothes weren't intimidating at all, so I sorted through them, getting rid of a bunch. Then I went through all the clothes in my drawers, making a yard sale pile, put everything away and - bam! The large pile looming in my bedroom is gone.

The thing is, it was incredibly embarrassing just to let her see the pile to begin with, much less admit the whole problem. Then, to actually let this woman fold my clothes that I've been such an idiot about for so long that it's become a monster - I felt small. But I need help. I'm a nine month pregnant woman w/three small boys and persistent back problems living 3000 miles away from all my family and most of my closest friends. As I lay there I thought about how so many people think it's irresponsible to have "a lot" of kids and felt that familiar wave of guilt. I mean look at me. I can't even put away stinking clean laundry much less keep the urine smell out of my bathroom. Am I irresponsible? Then God's still, quiet voice spoke. Pride, Lynn. Pride. No, I'm not a good housekeeper. But I honestly work at it and I'm getting better and better all the time. And the truth is I have to be willing to bare my weaknesses and humble myself to be helped and taught. God created us to be dependent on others. He is Community. The woman who tries to be a good mother w/only the help of her husband is asking for failure. She simply won't grow like the woman who will become transparent, make weaknesses known and being willing to not only be helped temporally but taught and advised as well. Having these kids has humbled me so much. God's chiseling away at me. Having the first two in 18 months was work, but God needed to give me the extremely tough Phin pregnancy followed immediately by our 3000 mile move to get me to the place where I willingly say, "Yes, I'm a failure here. Can you help me? Can you teach me?" Ouch. But man, that clean spot on my bedroom dresser sure feels good!